Oops, I Did it Again...

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

That's right; I took him back...

Everyone and their mother in my social circle is cringing to see when this will all fall apart. What will be the next fault? Will I suffer twice as much?!

They're all just worried. Myself... not so much. You see, this is my decision. A decision I came to after realizing that everyone is human. I've fucked up relationships that were more or less ideal but there's always that one mistake that's catastrophic and John didn't go as far as to get drunk and take off a majority of his clothes (yup, totally guilty of that mishap but that story's for a later date). I broke up with him and went on with my normal routine just carrying around this gaping hole in my heart. I had to stop myself from shooting him a "good morning, sunshine!" text and almost shattered into pieces when I considered asking for some belongings back. Normal break up situations. I couldn't eat, had seven hours of sleep in a week, and went far enough to go on a thirteen hour drinking binge. Started right when I got off of work at three and it didn't stop until 4 in the morning. Needless to say, I looked like I was dying. During this time, though, I came to some eye opening realizations that, at the drunken time, made me feel like a philosophical Buddha.

"Everyone's human; remember what happened with Dillon."

"You can't blame him, she was a temptation that he fell for. Like Adam and The Apple."

"He's not the true love you expected but you still enjoy him as a human-being. Stay civil."

My liver was still cursing my poor choices but my conscience was proud of the road I was taking. The high road. So the next day I went to work (after a well needed greasy pizza to kill my hangover) and did my daily thing. I smiled at customers, complimented strangers, and tried to make plans for the rest of my night. Out of the blue, a mutual friend of my ex comes walking up the hall asking if I'm the stalker type. I try my best not to be, obviously.

"Well, John hasn't answered me in a couple days and I've talked to two other people who can't get ahold of him..."

Of course my heart skips a beat after the billion and two deathly thoughts that ran through my head in a minute. What if he just went on a drive and sped off of cliff or walked down a trail into a pact of coyotes?! So I give him a call after work and to my surprise, he answers! He sounded like he walked into a brick wall but he was alive; that's all I cared about. And after some moments of awkward small talk, we all decided to hang out.

So it was me with all of the guys hanging out in a basement. It was like usual except I kept my friendly distance from my ex boyfriend. Throughout our conversations I noticed how much we had picked up from each other. Periodically, we'd finish each others sentences and I jinxed him several times; it was like our minds were in the same place. By the end of the night, he was driving me home...

Long story short, I told him about everything that weighed my heart down and philosophical Buddha. He explained that he had apologized to his friend about talking to his ex like that, and he was giving me time to grieve over the situation before he tried talking to me. We sat eye to eye for six hours talking about what happened, what we both want out of life and out of each other, and what should happen if either one of us lost feeling.

Now we're back together and where I'd thought I'd have an uncontrollable amount of anxiety really isn't that bad. He sends me good morning and good night texts when I'm not with him. He'll snapchat me randomly throughout the day with his guy friends. And I'm reassured that if he truly doesn't want to be with me or would rather be with someone else in any sense, that he'd let me go.

What ever happens, happens. This is life, I can't control it. It's going to shit all over me over and over again. The most I can do is take it one day at a time and for the time being I have a partner that will battle life with me. Moreover, people should stop worrying how I'll react if he pulls the same crap again! Concerned loved ones, if it happens again it's my own fault! I'll mourn for a time, probably no more than a month. Give it time, though, and let me regain my optimism. That's all I need.