I'm not going to lie, I've only made this to use as my own personal diary but to make it public to hopefully prove a point. Not really sure what point I'm trying to make, but I'm sure it's along the lines of "I fucking deserve to be happy by now; gosh darn why can't my life plans go the way I expect them to!?" I'm at the ripe age of twenty. Fresh out of my teen years and still I'm having immature problems that I should have left in high school! But no, this bad luck follows me and has been for years. I just don't understand why the worst things happen to the best people...
I think I'm a decent person. By no means can I ever think highly of myself, but I can admit that I'm a decent human being that recognizes emotions and lives off of respect and love. My friend's and I have even gone far enough to conclude that I was a hippie in my past life. I'm chill, I see both sides of every story, I can't raise my voice out of anger nor am I capable of causing anyone physical pain. I'm that person you wait to see with a frown because that smile is glued on daily. "Smile and the world will smile with you." And that's all I ever want is to make people happy. There is one person on this planet, though, that I plan to make the most buoyant man on Earth and that will be my husband. I've always known that I was going to get married with the man of my dreams, raise beautiful children, and be the old, cute couple walking down the street still holding hands at seventy. But as the years pass, my dreams become more asinine.
I know a lot of people (mostly men who decide sleeping around is an acceptable love life) that believe monogamy isn't natural. I understand that some men and women aren't the dating type; long term is not their forte. Moreover, I consider that this is over dramatic and morbid to mention but I have a fear that I'll never find the other half of me that also believes that monogamy is an important foundation to a relationship.
I think it might be a curse on my family. My grandmother's marriage apparently destructed in full force though I still have never gotten the full story. My mother was left with four girls--one of them being me--after my father lost her trust. I know of one half-sister, but apparently there could be several more. The worst part in her situation is that he's suppose to be paying child support on three beautiful young ladies but we're unable to locate him. He literally dropped off the face of the Earth leaving my mother with his fake name, untraceable nicknames, and a fake social. He hasn't changed a bit, either; he has a new wife and three kids... Obviously, I don't want to be in the romantic positions of the women before me. But after dealing with every boyfriend I've ever had cheating on me thus far, I don't see a strong future for my heartstrings. Maybe it's all that chain mail I use to get in middle school... I would never forward them and now I'm being cursed!
I've had eight boyfriends. Though only three have been serious, all of them have something in common: all have put their penis in women that weren't me. That's called cheating, amiright? Yeah. I mean I have those ex stories that clearly make the entire situation my fault. I look back and think "HE WAS THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE AROUND AND YOU WENT BACK TO HIM?!" Some were entirely a fault on my poor judgement and I had that "I can fix him" complex. My bad. But then there are the sweet ones that you could never imagine doing anything against their high moral standards. The pain hits deep because you never saw it coming. They all turn out to join the likes of every other insensitive prick on the relationship attendance roll.
I think my last relationship might have been the optimal let down but the most civil break up I will ever experience. It's why I'm here, writing so I can find others who both love and loathe men like I do. People, John was that sweet guy. The kind of country boy that you could see doing no wrong. "His mama raised him right" kind of man. After the drama of a two year relationship crashing and burning all in an instant, I thought I needed a nice rebound that would make me feel better and call me beautiful. That's all I ever wanted was to be told I was beautiful and worth something. John did that for me. He worked down the hall at the mall and I'd always see him on my smoke breaks. He'd whistle down the hall and make me blush in an instant. He laughed at things I said and by no means am I funny. And he had the cutest smile that made me melt. He went from being a rebound to someone I could truly be comfortable with for the rest of my life. My rebound turned into what I thought was a passionate relationship thriving with carefree love and joy! He periodically complimented me, would randomly kiss me, would give me that dreamy eye look before giving me sweet kisses that would make the butterflies go wild. I thought we were the closest to perfect that we could ever be.
Obviously, I'm insecure. There's no doubt about that. After seven boyfriends cheating consecutively, you start to doubt your abilities in a relationship. I've told him all of this before: the cheating boyfriends, the cheating sperm donor and the resulting daddy issues. I dealt with them, though, because he was always so reassuring. Cheaters and liars: two of the worst attributes I will never deal with in a relationship. He knew all of this.
Due to these insecurities I suffer from nightmares of him sticking his dick in other woman. I'll wake up in tears, forget to breathe, and freak out for hours. The last time it happened, I looked at his messages and saw there were only texts from his guys and me which lifted my doubting spirit. Up until two nights ago, I didn't have a nightmare for a good month. I did wake up the other night in a cold sweat, freaking out from the same reoccurring nightmare so I thought I'd try the same tactic. This time around, I wasn't reassured.
I was always skeptical of a relationship he had with a woman he worked with. I've seen her before and my god, she's a bombshell but also has a giant reputation of being a home-wrecking, conniving slut. A mutual friend didn't like how close they acted and I've asked him several times about it. "Oh no, I just find her weed every now and again." And I believed him because he's the same way I am: overly friendly to the point that people misconstrued it for flirtation. I made excuses for him time and time again. I shouldn't have...
Him: "I had a dream about you last night"
Her: "uh oh was it a dirty one ;)"
Him: "Reaalllllly dirty"
Her: "oh no, did I rape you!?"
Him: "Yes, and it was so amazing... I was disappointed it was only a dream"
Her: "haha now you know my pain when I have dreams about you. it really sucks"
Him: "it drives me nuts. it was sooo real and then boom gone."
Her: "that makes me sad, the day.. or night i get a chance I promise it will be worth it ;)"
Him: "be sure to take the day off ;)"
Those weren't all that I found but those hurt the worst. Broke my heart into pieces while I was reading it and the further I read, the more disappointed I became. I pushed back anger, frustration, and rage and found disappointment. This man that I thought was so sweet, so charming, so wonderful turned out to be like the rest... I know they were just texts but there was a plan there and I just don't understand why he's willing to throw away a dime for a slutty little penny.
What I didn't know is that the same girl he was talking to was his best friend's exgirlfriend. Talk about a douchebag, right?!
So, as of last night I am single once again and I hate it. Single doesn't suit me one bit. I'm proud of myself, though. After a friends night at Waffle House where I let out every tear I could, I did not cry one time during this ordeal... But he did. My problem is that I'm a sucker for tears and panic attacks. After I informed him that he didn't have a girlfriend anymore, the tears just flowed and my motherly instincts forced me to hold him. I know he didn't deserve my sympathy but all in all, I can't deny it for the people that I love.
I still love him with all my heart and I always will. Just like any other person I get close to, it hurts to let them go. I've realized I'm way too sweet for my own good but I'm realizing what I deserve. Ladies are worthy of a King who will treat them like a Queen with all the respect and love in the world. It's what I'm trying to find but until then I'm going to have some scandalous stories of men doing the unthinkable to a loyal, reputable woman.
For the time being, I'm staying single and positive. I'm not playing any fields and I won't jump into another failure again. Someday my prince will come... Right?
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